on sexuality and gender

i am both asexual and genderless. i say both/and because i do not consider the two things to be exactly the same, but rather two sides of my life. let me explain.

wikipedia defines asexuality as "a sexual orientation describing individuals who do not experience sexual attraction or do not have interest in or desire for sex." that describes me perfectly. i have never been sexually attracted to any person, and i have never wanted sex. i express my asexuality through (surprise) never having sex. my transformation was motivated in part by my asexuality, but in fact it had very little effect on it. i was asexual before i was neutered, and i remain asexual now. there are asexual people who do not remove their genitalia, and i do not consider it a requirement. certainly one can continue to possess a clitoris, or a penis, and not use it. that was not something i wanted to do in the long term, but if i did, i would have remained asexual.

genderlessness is trickier. depending on who you ask, gender is defined by either the physical parts with which a person is equipped, or a state of mind. "cisgendered" people (i.e., those who are born into the correct gender) tend to believe more in the first definition, while in my experience, transgendered people commonly take the second point of view.

i believe, in my particular case, that it is both. i believe that my gender is defined both by the body i live in and the mind that lives in it. in my mind, i have always been neuter, for as long as i can remember knowing the difference. i have never felt female, and never felt male, and never felt like "a little of both." i am, in my mind, emphatically "none of the above." for most of my life, my body did not agree with my mind's vision. i was born with a female body, which developed as female bodies usually do. before i was neutered, my mind and body were constantly at odds over my gender. i needed to resolve this conflict, and that is why i was neutered. today, my body and mind are in agreement. my mind knows i am not female, and my body no longer has the female parts that caused conflict.

sometimes i am asked if i think of myself as transgendered. i suppose you could describe me as transgendered in the sense of someone who changes gender - i'd be classified as a female-to-neuter ("ftn".) i don't think of myself as being transgendered, though. when i think of a transgendered person, i think of female-to-male or male-to-female. obviously, as female-to-neuter, i don't fit there. i suppose some people would think of my objection as narrow-minded, and perhaps it is. and maybe if there were more female-to-neuter people out there, i would feel more like a transgendered person. i really don't know. obviously, i understand and support what ftm and mtf transgendered people are going through. like me, they have a gender conflict that needs resolution. i just see myself as... different.

so i hope that gives you a sense of how i think about sexuality and gender. i have neither, and they are not the same thing. does that make sense?