my neutering

i am neutered. my uterus, ovaries, vagina, clitoris, labia, and breasts have all been removed, and my vulva has been permanently infibulated. let me tell you my story.

i was born in a female body, but ever since i was a girl i knew i wasn't meant to be female. i dreamed about having my labia and clit removed long before i knew what they were for, and also dreamed about being infibulated before i knew there was a word for it. i dreamed that i would be completely smooth down there, with no genitalia at all. i never thought i was supposed to be a boy. i just thought i was supposed to be neither female nor male.

as soon as i knew what sex was, i also knew that i didn't want it. i stayed a virgin all the way through high school and college. in a pathetic attempt to be a woman, i married a guy. he knew about my not wanting sex, and we never had any. eventually this frustrated him and we divorced.

there were two things that only reinforced my desire never to have sex again. first, i was raped once. this was the only time i've ever been vaginally penetrated. yes, only one time in my life, and it was unwanted and criminal. it made me hate sex even more. second, i have never had an orgasm. i obviously did not have one when i was raped, and i have never had one through masturbation either. the rape convinced me that i don't like sex, but the lack of orgasm convinced me that i wasn't meant to like sex.

and so, finally, i made two decisions: one, to never have sex again and thus never have an orgasm; and two, to become as genderless as possible. i wanted all my female parts removed.

there were three stages to my nullification. first, i had a complete hysterectomy (removal of uterus), salphingo-oophorectomy (ovaries and fallopian tubes) and vaginectomy. i managed this by convincing a doctor (who shall remain nameless to protect the doctor's ability to practice medicine) that i was at high risk for genital cancers. (my mother and two aunts all had ovarian cancer, and one died from it.) this was done under anesthetic in a hospital. they proposed to reconstruct my vagina, but i stalled them by asking for some extra recovery time. then i never spoke to that doctor again.

second, i had a bilateral mastectomy, completely removing both breasts. again, i used my family medical history to justify a pre-emptive amputation, this time with a different doctor. the breasts and nipples were completely removed, but the scars were small enough, and enough skin remained, that i healed very smoothly. my chest is now completely flat, with no nipples, and small scars that have healed well enough to blend into the rest of my skin.

lastly, i had my labia and clitoris removed and my vulva stitched shut. no self-respecting doctor would do this, so i convinced a nurse friend to do it. she used a scalpel and cut very carefully, and did a very delicate but strong stitching job on my infibulation. my crotch is now like my chest - completely smooth, and hairless, with an even more well-healed scar. only a very tiny hole remains for urine to escape. unless you are looking very closely, the scar is nearly invisible, so it looks like i never had anything there at all.

although i still have female chromosomes and am still legally female, i consider myself to be genderless. i have never acted like a woman, and now i do not look or feel like a woman, either. i have no breasts and no pussy. the infibulation completely prevents intercourse (i don't do oral or anal.)

i lost a lot of friends when i became neuter. my breasts were noticeable before they were removed, so it's very obvious that they're gone. many of my friends were very judgmental and so they are no longer my friends. those who stayed completely love and support my desire to be neuter. some even find my smooth, genderless body attractive.

one benefit of losing my breasts is that i can be topless in public, something i couldn't do when i was female. i've done this many times and gotten a few strange looks from people trying to find my nipples, but otherwise no problem.

i no longer see my ob/gyn, because there's no point. at some time, i will probably have to see a doctor who will ask about my nullification. i'll cross that bridge when i get to it. to prevent it, i stay very healthy. i work out every day, eat well and take vitamins. i especially take lots of calcium to replace that lost when my ovaries were removed.

so that is my story. i will be happy to answer questions, either on this blog, in private email or on messenger.