faq

these questions were forwarded to me by a reader who wishes to remain anonymous. most of them have already been answered elsewhere on this blog, but i thought it'd be worthwhile to try answering them all.

"1. When did you get clitoridectomized? Where did the procedure take place? Who did it? What kind of anesthesia was used?"

my clitoris was removed as part of my neutering at age 36, two years ago. it was done in my home, by a nurse friend. no anesthesia was used.

"2. What was removed? Was your clitoris removed at the root ("crura"), as opposed to severing the shaft?"

the entire clitoris was removed, along with its hood and my inner labia.

"3. How did you become aware that you wanted to be circumcised? Were there any life events and circumstances that influenced your awareness (including media coverage of female circumcision in developing countries)?"

as a girl, i dreamed of having a smooth body, like a barbie doll. long before i knew what the clitoris was for, i dreamed about not having one. there are no specific events that i can point to.

"4. If one of your intentions was to eliminate orgasm, what was your relationship with orgasm that made you want to give it up?"

i have never had an orgasm, in my entire life, and i have never desired one. one of the reasons for removing the clitoris was to ensure that any capability i may have had for orgasm was permanently destroyed.

"5. Have you found it to be the case that lack of external genitals means freedom from excess sexual thoughts and arousal (possibly because the physical sexual stimulation doesn't exist in the first place to cause them)? If not, how do you deal with sexual frustration and tension? Is masturbation now a thing of the past?"

i have been asexual for my entire life. i have never had sexual thoughts or arousal. there is nothing left for me to masturbate, even if i wanted to, which i don't.

"6. Do you consider yourself a submissive, and are you a part of any SM group or community? Or was your clitoridectomy part of intermarriage or adoption of another culture?"

i am not a submissive, not into bdsm, and my neutering was not done for cultural reasons. it was my decision alone.

"7. How does your vulva look like now? If you don't have any pics of your own, which pics in the femcirc groups can you link/refer to that are the most similar to the way you look now?"

it is completely smooth with a faint, well-healed scar that blends smoothly into my skin, giving the appearance that i never had anything there at all. i have a very tiny hole to pass urine.

"8. Have you successfully persuaded other women to undergo circumcision, or was this mostly personal for you? What is your position on whether women in general should do it? Do you consider yourself a pro-clitoridectomy evangelical?"

this was entirely personal for me. i have not persuaded any other women and do not intend to. however, my position is that circumcision, infibulation and neutering should be available on demand and without apology to any woman who freewillingly chooses it. i absolutely do not support forced circumcision of anyone for any reason.

"9. How did you find the femcirc groups? Did you do a regular Yahoo Groups Search, or were you referred from another web site? Are you aware of any web sites outside of the Yahoo femcirc Groups the main topic of which is voluntary clitoridectomy, and are in support of it (besides Cutclit). Do you have or will you have a personal web site of your own in which you address questions such as these?"

i found some groups through google search, and those linked to additional groups. i do have my own blog dedicated to my life and experiences as a neutered human being.

"10. Which points would you like to make to others about your experience that are not covered above?"

everything i have done was right for me. i make no claim that it's right for any other person. but i knew that i had to become sexless and genderless to be happy. my happiness now is the proof that my decision to be neutered was a good one.

on sexuality and gender

i am both asexual and genderless. i say both/and because i do not consider the two things to be exactly the same, but rather two sides of my life. let me explain.

wikipedia defines asexuality as "a sexual orientation describing individuals who do not experience sexual attraction or do not have interest in or desire for sex." that describes me perfectly. i have never been sexually attracted to any person, and i have never wanted sex. i express my asexuality through (surprise) never having sex. my transformation was motivated in part by my asexuality, but in fact it had very little effect on it. i was asexual before i was neutered, and i remain asexual now. there are asexual people who do not remove their genitalia, and i do not consider it a requirement. certainly one can continue to possess a clitoris, or a penis, and not use it. that was not something i wanted to do in the long term, but if i did, i would have remained asexual.

genderlessness is trickier. depending on who you ask, gender is defined by either the physical parts with which a person is equipped, or a state of mind. "cisgendered" people (i.e., those who are born into the correct gender) tend to believe more in the first definition, while in my experience, transgendered people commonly take the second point of view.

i believe, in my particular case, that it is both. i believe that my gender is defined both by the body i live in and the mind that lives in it. in my mind, i have always been neuter, for as long as i can remember knowing the difference. i have never felt female, and never felt male, and never felt like "a little of both." i am, in my mind, emphatically "none of the above." for most of my life, my body did not agree with my mind's vision. i was born with a female body, which developed as female bodies usually do. before i was neutered, my mind and body were constantly at odds over my gender. i needed to resolve this conflict, and that is why i was neutered. today, my body and mind are in agreement. my mind knows i am not female, and my body no longer has the female parts that caused conflict.

sometimes i am asked if i think of myself as transgendered. i suppose you could describe me as transgendered in the sense of someone who changes gender - i'd be classified as a female-to-neuter ("ftn".) i don't think of myself as being transgendered, though. when i think of a transgendered person, i think of female-to-male or male-to-female. obviously, as female-to-neuter, i don't fit there. i suppose some people would think of my objection as narrow-minded, and perhaps it is. and maybe if there were more female-to-neuter people out there, i would feel more like a transgendered person. i really don't know. obviously, i understand and support what ftm and mtf transgendered people are going through. like me, they have a gender conflict that needs resolution. i just see myself as... different.

so i hope that gives you a sense of how i think about sexuality and gender. i have neither, and they are not the same thing. does that make sense?

thoughts on consent

my neutering was my choice, and my choice alone. i am not now, nor have i ever been, a slave of any kind, either to a bdsm relationship or to a religion. everything that has been done to me was 100% consensual and approved explicitly by me.

i support the right of an educated, informed adult to do anything with their body that they please. laws against "female genital mutilation" are written to protect the rights of unwilling women, but unfortunately they prevent willing adults who want their genitals to be destroyed from having it done. this is wrong. if i want my genitals destroyed, i should be able to have them destroyed, on demand and without question or apology. it is my body and it does not belong to the state.

i do not support any forced genital destruction of any kind. this includes the religious or culturally motivated circumcisions that fgm laws attempt to address. in particular, i cannot and will not condone any destruction of minor children's genitals. i do not believe children are capable of knowing the full extent and consequences of such an act, and thus cannot consent in a meaningful way. i say this even though, as a girl, i often dreamed of being nullified. perhaps i would have been happier at times if i was nullified at a much younger age, but on the other hand, i believe my experiences around sex and gender would have been very different, and i would not have the benefit of the experience i have now. these experiences are important and no girl should be denied them.

i have never been in a bdsm relationship, so i cannot pretend to understand the mentality of a slave. but i have read accounts of women having their genitals destroyed to please a master. i would suggest that even if you voluntarily give control of your sexuality to someone else, you still retain some right to decide the fate of your body. i believe you must still consider the consequences and make your own informed decision about the destruction of your genitals. perhaps you will let your slavery influence the decision; perhaps not. in the end, i believe humans cannot be fully deprived of free will, and thus it remains ultimately your choice.

i am an atheist, and reject all teachings of all religions. thus, i reject the idea that any religion (including islam) demands female genital destruction, and cannot condone any such action taken for religious reasons. religion, to me, is a way to avoid thinking for yourself. you need to make your own decisions about your sexuality instead of following the supposed instructions of a holy text written for nomadic peoples that lived hundreds if not thousands of years ago. religiously-motivated genital destruction is unacceptable, without exception.

in summary: the only genital modification i support is that chosen by the woman, for herself, upon careful consideration of the facts and consequences, without outside input. anything else is a crime.

my circumcision and infibulation

this post is about the removal of my clitoris and labia and the permanent infibulation of my vulva, the culmination of a lifelong dream. i had, for a long time, dreamt of having a completely smooth crotch, with no genitalia whatsoever. at age 36, i made this dream a reality.

no doctor will perform such an operation in a medical setting, so i had to convince a friend of mine, a nurse, to do it for me. she agreed on the condition that i never mention her name, or location, or anything about her when i talk about it publicly. i am honoring that condition.

my request was to have the entire clitoris removed, as deeply as possible to eliminate any possible sensation. the clitoral hood and labia minora were also to be completely removed. the labia majora were to be destroyed and stitched together to complete the infibulation, leaving only a tiny hole for urine (after my hysterectomy, menstruation is no longer an issue) small enough that i could never be penetrated. lastly, all of these were to be done without anesthetic, as i wanted to be awake and alert throughout the culmination of my dream.

when the day came, my friend came to my house and tied me down to my bed. we placed plastic sheets under my ass to protect the bed from blood and other mess. after confirming that i was ready and willing to be cut, she started by cutting away my left inner labia. there was some bleeding but she quickly stopped it with a cauterizing pen. i felt a sharp pain and squeezed a racquetball i had in my hand. She then repeated the same on my right inner labia. this was a little less sharp as the endorphins had started to kick in. again, she cauterized the cut. she then moved to my clit hood, slicing it off in a few cuts and again cauterizing the wound. i then rested for just a minute while she prepared to remove my clitoris.

using a new, very sharp scalpel, she cut deep in a circle around my exposed clit. this hurt a lot and i screamed. the endorphins then kicked in again and it did not feel as sharp as she continued to cut deep into the clit. when the final cuts came to remove the clit, so much endorphins were flowing that i barely felt any pain. wasting no time, she then began to cut open my outer labia, rendering them raw and ready to be stitched together.

when she finally started stitching, i couldn't take the pain any longer, and i blacked out. when i woke up a few minutes later, she was about 3/4 of the way down, and within a few more minutes she had completely sealed my ex-vulva.

the entire area hurt for a few days afterward. in about a week, the infibulation was well healed and she removed the stitches (my body has always healed wounds quickly, so the infibulation healing went very well.) at that point the pain was gone. some swelling remained for a while, but eventually that too dissipated. the scars healed fully within a few months.

i am very satisfied with my circumcision and infibulation. it is exactly as i imagined it would be. my crotch is smooth with no signs of genitalia remaining. if you are not looking close-up, it's almost impossible even to see the scar. i am grateful for the work my nurse friend did in liberating me from my unwanted parts.

my neutering

i am neutered. my uterus, ovaries, vagina, clitoris, labia, and breasts have all been removed, and my vulva has been permanently infibulated. let me tell you my story.

i was born in a female body, but ever since i was a girl i knew i wasn't meant to be female. i dreamed about having my labia and clit removed long before i knew what they were for, and also dreamed about being infibulated before i knew there was a word for it. i dreamed that i would be completely smooth down there, with no genitalia at all. i never thought i was supposed to be a boy. i just thought i was supposed to be neither female nor male.

as soon as i knew what sex was, i also knew that i didn't want it. i stayed a virgin all the way through high school and college. in a pathetic attempt to be a woman, i married a guy. he knew about my not wanting sex, and we never had any. eventually this frustrated him and we divorced.

there were two things that only reinforced my desire never to have sex again. first, i was raped once. this was the only time i've ever been vaginally penetrated. yes, only one time in my life, and it was unwanted and criminal. it made me hate sex even more. second, i have never had an orgasm. i obviously did not have one when i was raped, and i have never had one through masturbation either. the rape convinced me that i don't like sex, but the lack of orgasm convinced me that i wasn't meant to like sex.

and so, finally, i made two decisions: one, to never have sex again and thus never have an orgasm; and two, to become as genderless as possible. i wanted all my female parts removed.

there were three stages to my nullification. first, i had a complete hysterectomy (removal of uterus), salphingo-oophorectomy (ovaries and fallopian tubes) and vaginectomy. i managed this by convincing a doctor (who shall remain nameless to protect the doctor's ability to practice medicine) that i was at high risk for genital cancers. (my mother and two aunts all had ovarian cancer, and one died from it.) this was done under anesthetic in a hospital. they proposed to reconstruct my vagina, but i stalled them by asking for some extra recovery time. then i never spoke to that doctor again.

second, i had a bilateral mastectomy, completely removing both breasts. again, i used my family medical history to justify a pre-emptive amputation, this time with a different doctor. the breasts and nipples were completely removed, but the scars were small enough, and enough skin remained, that i healed very smoothly. my chest is now completely flat, with no nipples, and small scars that have healed well enough to blend into the rest of my skin.

lastly, i had my labia and clitoris removed and my vulva stitched shut. no self-respecting doctor would do this, so i convinced a nurse friend to do it. she used a scalpel and cut very carefully, and did a very delicate but strong stitching job on my infibulation. my crotch is now like my chest - completely smooth, and hairless, with an even more well-healed scar. only a very tiny hole remains for urine to escape. unless you are looking very closely, the scar is nearly invisible, so it looks like i never had anything there at all.

although i still have female chromosomes and am still legally female, i consider myself to be genderless. i have never acted like a woman, and now i do not look or feel like a woman, either. i have no breasts and no pussy. the infibulation completely prevents intercourse (i don't do oral or anal.)

i lost a lot of friends when i became neuter. my breasts were noticeable before they were removed, so it's very obvious that they're gone. many of my friends were very judgmental and so they are no longer my friends. those who stayed completely love and support my desire to be neuter. some even find my smooth, genderless body attractive.

one benefit of losing my breasts is that i can be topless in public, something i couldn't do when i was female. i've done this many times and gotten a few strange looks from people trying to find my nipples, but otherwise no problem.

i no longer see my ob/gyn, because there's no point. at some time, i will probably have to see a doctor who will ask about my nullification. i'll cross that bridge when i get to it. to prevent it, i stay very healthy. i work out every day, eat well and take vitamins. i especially take lots of calcium to replace that lost when my ovaries were removed.

so that is my story. i will be happy to answer questions, either on this blog, in private email or on messenger.